Episode 6

It's ok to say... No

🎙️ It’s Okay to Say… No.

Episode Summary:

Why is saying no so hard? Whether it’s out of guilt, obligation, or fear of disappointing others, we’ve all struggled with setting boundaries. In this episode of The Mirror Project, we’re breaking down the power of saying no—without over-explaining or apologizing.

🔹 The Quote That Sparked It All – Why Paul Scanlon’s words hit home for us as recovering people-pleasers.

🔹 Why Is Saying No So Hard? – Societal expectations, guilt, and the fear of disappointing others.

🔹 When We Struggled to Say No – Personal examples and what we’d do differently next time.

🔹 No Is Not Always Personal – Why we take rejection personally and how to reframe our mindset.

🔹 How to Practice Saying No – Simple strategies for setting boundaries in work, social, and family settings.

Saying no isn’t rude—it’s an act of self-respect. Let’s talk about how we can embrace it without guilt.

🎧 Listen Now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite platform!

 

✨No Is a Complete Sentence 

✔️ Recognizing People-Pleasing Habits – Why we feel the need to justify our no.

✔️ Handling the Discomfort – Learning to set boundaries without fear of judgment.

✔️ Respecting Others’ Boundaries – How we can normalize hearing ‘no’ without taking it personally.

✔️ Practical Strategies – Using firm, simple responses and practicing in low-stakes situations.

✔️ Overcoming Guilt – Remembering that prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.


What’s one thing you really wanted to say no to this week? Let’s normalize setting boundaries together!

 

📲 Connect With Us!

💬 Follow us on Instagram, TikTok, & YouTube: @mirrorprojectpod

☕ Support us on Buy Me a Coffee: Support Us Here

📩 DM us your questions & topic suggestions – We’d love to hear from you!

👉 Next week’s episode: Intro to Therapy – We’re finally tackling this intimidating topic: where to start, what to expect, and how therapy has changed our lives.

Hit that like, follow, and subscribe button, and we’ll see you next time! 🎙️✨

Transcript
Alexandra:

Hey there.

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Welcome back.

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We're your hosts, Alexandra?

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Christine: And Christine.

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Alexandra: How often do we say yes

when we really want to say is no.

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Whether it's out of guilt, obligation,

or fear of disappointing others.

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We've all been there.

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But what if saying no wasn't

something we had to justify?

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What if it was simply

an act of self-respect?

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In this episode of The Mere Project,

we're diving into the power of saying no.

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Why it's not always personal,

how to handle the discomfort of

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setting boundaries and ways to

practice the skill in everyday life.

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We'll talk about prioritizing yourself

without feeling guilty, and share some

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practical takeaways to help you embrace

the strength of a well-placed no.

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So let's get into it.

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No apologies necessary.

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So Christine,

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Christine: Yes.

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Alexandra: in.

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No

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Christine: Mm-hmm.

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Alexandra: necessary.

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Christine: I will try my best.

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Well, like many things, we

see something that sparks.

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Something for us, and we either

share it with the other or and you

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know, it just devolves from there.

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But I'm not, I, I'm not quite sure

who found this, but one of us came

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across a quote by Paul Scanlon and

it says, let's normalize saying no

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to things without always needing

to explain yourself or apologize.

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What must that be like?

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I have no idea.

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Alexandra: Yeah, I was, I

hit that and I was like, I.

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That seems like it would

be so freeing, but also

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Christine: Right.

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Alexandra: initial reaction

of eh, no, I can't do that.

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Christine: I know.

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Why, why, why do we feel that way?

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Any, any ideas?

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Yeah,

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Alexandra: are your thoughts on that?

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Christine: I,

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Alexandra: do we feel that way?

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I.

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Christine: well, I don't.

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It's a good question.

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I was thinking about this and before we

started, I, I posed the question of is,

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I know this is not just a me thing.

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A lot of people struggle with this, is

it something I, I also feel find that

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it's something that women particularly

struggle with a lot more perhaps than men.

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I could be wrong.

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I don't know.

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That's just maybe a

generalization of, things.

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But I know in particular, I

struggle with this because I

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never wanna disappoint somebody.

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You know, I think I've mentioned this on

many occasions before, in past episodes,

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but I often put others before myself in,

a lot of different ways, but mostly you

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know, I, it's hard, it's hard to say no

'cause I don't wanna let someone down.

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I think.

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Alexandra: Makes me wonder if it's

especially hard for people who identify

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themselves as people pleasers, you know?

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Christine: yeah, sure.

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Alexandra: no, could be else needs

me, somebody else needs something.

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like you said, where you put

yourself last in many situations

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Christine: Right.

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Alexandra: put is putting

yourself first can be very

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Christine: Right.

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Yeah.

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I also feel like sometimes

it's easier to say yes.

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You know, if it's, if you're up against

a, a particularly strong personality

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Alexandra: Oh

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Christine: and you don't want

it to devolve into an argument

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or anything, like sometimes I'll

just say yes because it's easier.

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And even though, and I'll be

honest, I have grown and I'm

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strong enough to say no when I

definitely don't wanna do something.

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Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

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Christine: of course there's

and everybody does stuff that

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they don't always want to do.

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But you know, there are instances

where it's just easier sometimes, you

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know, like having, 'cause I struggle

with, having to give an explanation,

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but you don't you don't need to,

but for some reason, I don't know.

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Is it

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I think women have been conditioned

to have to give a reason or like

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Alexandra: Almost like giving a reason

or an explanation will soften the No.

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Christine: mm-hmm.

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Mm-hmm.

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Yeah.

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Alexandra: Which then brings up a

whole conversation of the, you think

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about in terms of dating if you see

stuff online about, you know, men

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thinking like no, doesn't mean no.

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It's

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Christine: Hmm.

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Alexandra: much can, like this aspect

of like feeling like you have to just

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know, justify a no, play into that,

like kind of feed view, not that we

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are responsible for how other people

view things, but that, just saying like

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the inability to just say no, period.

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Does that

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Christine: Yeah.

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Alexandra: how other people receive or no?

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It's oh, it's a soft no.

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Or it's like a no, but you know,

with other explanations versus this

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is a hardcore no for whatever it is.

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Christine: Hmm.

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saying no is is setting a boundary.

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It's.

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It's like drawing the line in the sand.

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it's almost like we have to

either apologize or explain why

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we have the boundaries we have.

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You know, like

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Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

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Christine: boundaries

don't need an explanation.

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They're there to protect

me and you this is.

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Boundaries aren't bad.

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They're really good.

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Alexandra: Yeah.

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Which is interesting.

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Have you ever felt like you've set

a boundary and you feel like you

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might be in the wrong or feel like

it's bad to have set that boundary?

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Christine: yeah, I have, I also

feel like I haven't been able,

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I haven't fully understood what

boundaries meant until I got older.

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Alexandra: Hmm.

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I.

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Christine: I mean like

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when things are clearly black and white

when it comes to setting boundaries.

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I understood that.

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But

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there's been situations in my life

in the last five years where they

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weren't so black and white, you know?

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And it's dealing with guilt or.

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That uncomfortable feeling of you feel

like you're wrong, but you're not wrong.

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You're doing what you need to

do to take care of yourself.

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I don't know what to, where to put

that feeling when it happens, you know?

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Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

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Christine: do you, how

do you resolve that?

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How do you become okay with that?

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Yeah.

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Alexandra: Do

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Christine: I don't know.

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Alexandra: sharing any of those

stories or experiences where you

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felt like it wasn't so clear?

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Christine: Well, in particular, you

know, it was like it's family related.

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There, there's been thing, things

that have gone down with you know,

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extended family over the years and

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As I've, I've said before, I'm

a, I'm a fiercely loyal person.

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And I love my family.

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So there was a lot I had to sort

of untwine from that, not to

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say that these, that, that these

family members in particular were

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people I was very close with.

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But you know, it's

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it's struggling with.

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The idea of what I hoped relationships

to be and what they actually were.

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And so that was something I

had to come to terms with.

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And then realizing it's okay and

actually necessary to set, to say,

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to say no or set, set the boundaries

I need to just sort of like.

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At, at times it got to the point

of to just function day to day, to

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not have a crippling, fear that

something was gonna blow up, you know?

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Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

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Christine: But

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, Alexandra: no.

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Christine: right,

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Alexandra: Okay.

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Christine: right.

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I am sure if I take took a moment to

dig deep, I, I could maybe think about

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instances where I was made to feel

bad about saying no, or, not going

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along with what people wanted me to.

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You know, I'm a pretty laid back

person, as you know, and I'm, I,

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I, I like to go with the flow.

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I like to see where things go and

what happens, but I think it also

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comes down to do you feel safe?

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And if you don't feel safe,

saying no is pretty imperative.

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Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

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Christine: but how about you?

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I mean, has there been any particular

instance where you, you said yes,

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but you really wanted to say no and.

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Alexandra: I mean, yeah, I think kind of

recently I had said yes to a, a situation.

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Hanging out with somebody who

I wanted to hang out with.

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And then it changed into

more than just that friend.

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And, and I didn't want to, but I did.

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And then the, the night before, I was just

like, I, I really don't wanna do this.

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Because I felt like I.

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Said yes, when I should have said no.

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And, and I had that internal debate

that you were talking about earlier

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of well, it's really not that bad.

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And it, you know, I, we all

do things we don't really feel

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comfortable or like all the time.

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But then I, I realize now

I'm like maybe doing myself a

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disservice looking back on that.

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I'm like, it kind of was a good thing.

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I went in the sense of it really

reaffirmed of setting some boundaries

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Christine: Hmm.

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Alexandra: You know, the friendships

I want in my life and stuff.

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So it was helpful in that sense.

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And it was very low, low risk.

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There wasn't

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Christine: Sure.

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Alexandra: ever gonna be a huge blowback

or fallout had I said no or from going,

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but it, it was, it was definitely a time

in a very small moment where I could have

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prioritized myself and my boundaries and

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Christine: Sure.

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Alexandra: I did not.

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Yeah, I think we've talked about in

the last episode or a few episodes

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where I'm like, I don't sometimes

know where my boundaries are, but

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Christine: Hmm.

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Alexandra: as soon as

somebody's crossed 'em.

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And some it can take people quite

long to get to that boundary.

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And then it seems add to the blue

to them that I suddenly have this

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really firm boundary and I'm like, no.

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Yeah, I really should have

communicated better where that

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boundary was to begin with.

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But I didn't really know until you crossed

it and now we're here and I'm done.

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Christine: Mm-hmm.

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Sure.

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Alexandra: but like you said,

Christine, there's, it had been

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situations where I have said no,

and then I felt terrible about it.

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Because we in some ways have

been conditioned to feel

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like we have to be there for

relationships and friendships and

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Christine: Yeah,

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Alexandra: of ourselves.

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Have you had a recent situation where you

said Yes when you really want to scream?

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No, I don't wanna do

that, or No, thank you.

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Christine: Not, not

necessarily a recent situation.

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I will say, I accidentally

set myself up for

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Not failure, but like the way

the year started, how last year

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ended and this year started.

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I.

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Was like, you know, all these

exciting things are happening.

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My birthday, the holidays

coming down to visit you.

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You know, this is the year where a lot

of people in my life were turning 30.

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So big.

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It was a big.

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Big year, a lot of celebrations

happening and it all sort of seemed to

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come, come around the end of the year.

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And I wanted to say, and I said

yes to everything because in my,

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in my heart, I genuinely wanted

to say yes, I wanted to be there.

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I forgot to factor in the fact

that where I work Christmas time is

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our busiest time of the year that.

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I basically lived out of a suitcase for

two months because I was not really home.

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I was at my parents'

house for the holidays.

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I came down to visit you.

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I came back and you know,

it just, I forgot to factor

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in time for me to recover.

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And I reached a point where I had a little

bit of like a breaking moment and it was.

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I realized that I crossed my own

boundaries in a way unknowingly.

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I just didn't necessarily take the

time to sort of see how like the

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game would lay itself out over time.

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But it was, it, it reaffirmed to

me the importance of sometimes

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it's, it's not only you, you want

to say no, but you need to say no.

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Right?

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Because otherwise I

will run myself ragged.

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And I, you know, I'm.

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I am not an extrovert.

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I don't thrive off of social interactions.

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I enjoy them.

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I genuinely do, but they do.

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I, I do feel depleted.

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I do feel like I go into it

with a lot of energy and like

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I'll leave with very low energy.

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There are few instances.

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I have some very beautiful

people in my life who we sort

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of just charge each other, like

we can just be in a room silent.

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And just be, and it takes nothing

from either of us and we love it.

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Alexandra: Beautiful

friendships and relationships.

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Christine: they, they are,

they really, really are.

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Alexandra: I got a friend of mine

who's similar as you said, Christine.

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Can be high and then very low battery.

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Christine: Mm-hmm.

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Alexandra: birthday, I think last year

or the year before I got her or maybe

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Christmas pins that said social battery

and like it had from like green to red.

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And I feel like maybe that should be

on a gift list for you, Christine,

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where you can just like, at the

beginning of the thing, say like

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it starts here and then like just

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Christine: Yeah.

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Alexandra: like you can, you

can just move it to the side and

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then people will like, oh, okay.

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It's just

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Christine: Yeah.

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Alexandra: the battery end

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Christine: Mm-hmm.

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Alexandra: yeah.

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Christine: that's really good.

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'cause what I struggle with

is when I am at something.

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It's hard for me to extricate myself from

a situation once I reach like my empty.

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Alexandra: Yep.

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Christine: I reach empty, I

still feel like the expectation

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that I need to be there.

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I haven't seen everyone.

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I haven't talked to everyone,

but I'm tapped out, you know?

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And a lot of the time

I'll force myself to stay.

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Mostly because I also don't

wanna miss out on anything.

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Alexandra: You are like, oh,

these, these two compet, you

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know, needs and wants there.

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Christine: Exactly.

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Alexandra: for I need

my to prioritize myself.

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Christine: So it's but then it's well,

am I really the best per, am I really the

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best version of myself there by the end?

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Is it helping or hurting

me in that situation?

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Also for those around me,

you know, if I'm like.

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A real bore by the end of it.

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No one wants to be around bore.

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Alexandra: That makes me think the one

thing my dad was really good about,

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and I think we, we've talked about this

before and I know my mom and I laugh

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about it was, my dad was really good at

pulling what we joked as the rip cord.

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Christine: mm.

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Alexandra: Just you know, pulling that

rip cord eject out of a situation.

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N no, no guilt, no anything,

just like peace out by.

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And that happened a few times

where mom and I were left to dock

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awkward situations where we didn't.

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I feel like we could, we're uncomfortable

pulling the ripcord, but he was

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just like, nah, I'm outta here.

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I'm done with this.

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Christine: Mm-hmm.

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Alexandra: he didn't

wanna take us with you.

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So I feel like you know, maybe that's

something that we can practice as just,

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Christine: Sure.

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Alexandra: silly as saying Hey, I

gotta pull the rip cord and just go

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Christine: Yeah, that's funny.

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It's well, what's more awkward?

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Right?

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Overstaying and not wanting to be

there, but still being there or

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just being like, this has been fun.

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Bye.

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And like dipping what's more awkward?

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Like you, you had an enjoyable experience.

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It ended, let's move on.

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'cause

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Alexandra: awkward to stay 'cause

everyone's kinda well watch

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Christine: it's

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Alexandra: where's the

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Christine: What do we do now?

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Alexandra: Yeah.

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Everyone's kind of doing that

weird dance of do we leave?

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How do we get outta this?

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Christine: Right, exactly.

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But I will say a little win for me was,

you know, this past weekend in particular,

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one of the things I had said yes to had

to be rescheduled and it was rescheduled.

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And I just, I said, no, not because there,

there's like a mi myriad of other things

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that I needed to focus on and, and, and

I just didn't have the time, like knowing

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that I'd have to factor this into my day.

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I was like, well, I could

really, you know, I really wanna.

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Take my time with the weekend for once and

not feel like I have this or this place

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or this place to be at by a certain time.

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Because, you know, I needed to focus

on, on me and my, my apartment and like

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getting unpacked and like all this stuff.

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I feel like I've been living outta a suit

of a suitcase since the year started.

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So, and there, you know, there was just

a number of things and it, it, it was one

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of the first times I didn't necessarily

feel guilty yeah, I'm bummed I'm missing

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out, but I know that there'll be another,

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Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

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Christine: another one.

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I know I can call that person up and

be like, Hey, I'm sorry I missed this.

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Would love to do something soon with

you or with the group again, you know,

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Alexandra: and I think good

friends, good people will understand

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that go, yeah, absolutely.

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We'll get together another time.

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Take

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Christine: Yeah,

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Alexandra: You know?

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And

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Christine: for sure.

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Alexandra: hmm.

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Christine: I,

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Alexandra: Set a sign.

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Christine: yeah, it,

it, yeah, it is a sign.

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It's definitely, we'll show you how

those people handle those situations.

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Alexandra: You know what we should do?

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We

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Christine: Hmm.

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Alexandra: a weekend where we, we

get together and we go somewhere new

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and maybe we do one of those like 24

hour reading challenges or something.

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go somewhere and just take a weekend

for ourselves and just do something.

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Christine: That's a, sounds really nice.

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Alexandra: don't have to be anywhere.

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We can just, know, set ourselves

up with some food and good

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books and, and just chill.

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Christine: Yeah, that sounds really nice.

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I'm down.

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Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

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Then have other people like,

oh, I wanna do this that week,

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and be like, sorry, no, I have

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Christine: I, I have plans and they

are very minimal and I'm very excited.

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Yeah.

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Alexandra: my favorite thing I think

we've seen this movie together.

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Spy Who Dumped Me,

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Christine: Yes.

384

:

Alexandra: I think my favorite

line outta that is the, the blonde

385

:

friend who's he asked me a question

about this weekend or something.

386

:

'cause the, the brunette, I

think Mila Kuna is, you know,

387

:

having to explain stuff.

388

:

And she's okay, what'd

you do this weekend?

389

:

And her friend's I bought a boat.

390

:

I'm out.

391

:

She's no explanation needed.

392

:

Just, I bought a boat and I'm out.

393

:

Christine: Yeah.

394

:

Yeah, it's a really good example of

I mean, despite how ridiculous it

395

:

is that you you don't have to, you

don't owe anyone an explanation.

396

:

I don't know for me why I feel like I do.

397

:

Alexandra: Yeah.

398

:

Christine: I'm sure that's something I can

dig into and countless hours of therapy.

399

:

Alexandra: When you figure that one

out, would you share it with the group?

400

:

Because

401

:

Christine: I don't know

if I will, but We'll try.

402

:

Alexandra: still pondering.

403

:

Christine: Yeah.

404

:

this is something that's gonna, I think

this conversation is gonna stick with

405

:

me certainly for the rest of the day,

probably for the rest of the week.

406

:

Because it's so.

407

:

It's simple yet.

408

:

I don't know why it's so hard to

409

:

Alexandra: yeah.

410

:

Why are

411

:

Things the hardest?

412

:

Christine: yeah, I don't

know why it should.

413

:

It should be pretty simple.

414

:

Alexandra: Mm.

415

:

Christine: So let's move on to

this idea that I certainly have

416

:

struggled with from time to time.

417

:

I'm sure many of you as well have as well.

418

:

It's no is not always personal,

419

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

420

:

Christine: I'm gonna throw this out there.

421

:

Why do we take no so personally?

422

:

Alexandra: Hmm.

423

:

Christine: We're not the ones saying

no, or when we're the ones saying no,

424

:

Alexandra: hmm.

425

:

Christine: why do we take it?

426

:

So personally?

427

:

Alexandra: Yeah, that's a

really interesting thing.

428

:

Like if you're, if you're the one throwing

out plants and somebody else says no,

429

:

why do we take that note personally?

430

:

I don't know if it's like that people

pleasing part or it's just like the,

431

:

did I do the immediate thought for me?

432

:

So did I do something wrong

433

:

Christine: right?

434

:

Am I the problem?

435

:

Alexandra: to upset this friendship?

436

:

Versus just saying, no, somebody's

just stating their boundary.

437

:

Christine: Hmm.

438

:

Alexandra: get better at that.

439

:

Christine: Hmm.

440

:

Alexandra: and I think that's where

it's really hard to, to kind of just.

441

:

Let other people's things be.

442

:

Other people's things and let our

things be our own stuff and just

443

:

Christine: Yeah.

444

:

Alexandra: okay,

445

:

Christine: I,

446

:

Alexandra: not today, not tomorrow.

447

:

catch up another time.

448

:

We'll

449

:

Christine: mm-hmm.

450

:

Alexandra: And somebody

goes, yeah, that's fine.

451

:

I just can't do it right now.

452

:

Okay.

453

:

But yeah, it's like to me it's

that first initial gut reaction

454

:

of did I do something wrong?

455

:

Christine: sure.

456

:

Yeah.

457

:

I often like immediately start to

internalize it and turn inward and,

458

:

and, and blame me, like I'm the problem.

459

:

I also think sometimes like

I get really excited about

460

:

something and when I reach out.

461

:

Alexandra: Right?

462

:

Mm-hmm.

463

:

Christine: To friends or or

colleagues to see if they wanna join.

464

:

And I get a know, it's oh damn.

465

:

You know?

466

:

Like I almost, it's almost like I know

I'm not gonna have the same experience

467

:

knowing that they're not gonna be there.

468

:

Alexandra: Oh, okay.

469

:

Yeah.

470

:

Christine: That's also

kind of plays into it.

471

:

Yeah, I guess also there's a, sometimes

this feeling of like discomfort, you

472

:

know, you're feeling disappointed,

but just like how you have boundaries,

473

:

you want to be respected, it's

important to respect someone else's.

474

:

And something we mentioned in a

previous episode, maybe even the

475

:

last one, like we need to be more

okay as a society feeling un.

476

:

Feeling, un feeling okay

with feeling uncomfortable.

477

:

That's just a natural feeling

people feel, and it's not something

478

:

that you need to immediately fix.

479

:

Like

480

:

Alexandra: Oh

481

:

Christine: it's important to

sit and figure out how to deal

482

:

with being uncomfortable or

disappointed or, you know, upset.

483

:

Alexandra: Yeah, with those emotions

that people like classically

484

:

label as negative or bad.

485

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

486

:

Exactly.

487

:

Alexandra: think they really are.

488

:

I think we've just, like you said, been

489

:

Christine: No.

490

:

Alexandra: to think

that way or conditioned.

491

:

Christine: Right, right.

492

:

Really it's like

493

:

we put, we put the word negative to

those, to those emotions when they're

494

:

really just a genuine, when natural

part of the human condition, right?

495

:

That's a universal emotion.

496

:

Every emotion that human

feels, everyone goes through.

497

:

So, yeah.

498

:

I also think it's important to remember

and learn that it, you shouldn't

499

:

take red rejection or boundary

setting as a personal attack, right?

500

:

it's something someone's

doing for themselves

501

:

Alexandra: Yeah.

502

:

Christine: and you should just . Try

not to take that personally, and

503

:

maybe it will help you reevaluate and

look inward and sort of have you think

504

:

about okay, wow, that's an example of

someone setting a healthy boundary.

505

:

What do I need to do for

myself and in my life

506

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

507

:

Christine: to help me feel better?

508

:

Like what boundaries do I

need to evaluate or set, or.,

509

:

I truly learn the most from other

people and seeing what other people do.

510

:

So I've sort of gotten to a point

of, I don't take it personally.

511

:

I take it as a learning

opportunity for me, you know, so.

512

:

Alexandra: takes, I think, skill and

practice, which I'm sure we'll talk

513

:

about in a little bit of like when

you feel that initial rejection to

514

:

a no and, and not talking or saying

something from a reactionary place,

515

:

but really kind of taking a pause and

going, oh, right, that's not about me.

516

:

It's not

517

:

Christine: Hmm.

518

:

Alexandra: what I'm asking.

519

:

If they wanna join or

do, this is not about me.

520

:

Christine: Yeah, for sure.

521

:

Alexandra: putting a, a little

break on the conversation going.

522

:

Oh, yep.

523

:

Okay.

524

:

And just say something else.

525

:

Oh, bummer.

526

:

Okay.

527

:

Let's get, do, do something another

time, or we can try, let's, is

528

:

there a date that does work for you?

529

:

Or something like that?

530

:

Christine: And I think it's also

okay to, to put the ball in their

531

:

court a little bit and say, okay,

you know, I'm trying, I'm trying to.

532

:

Put time and energy

into this relationship.

533

:

I understand life is busy and and,

you know, things don't always work

534

:

out, but I've made the effort.

535

:

Leave the ball in their court to

sort of come back and you know, like

536

:

a relationship is a two-way street.

537

:

You never wanna feel like you're putting

in more effort than somebody else, but you

538

:

know, that's a natural part of life too.

539

:

Sometimes you do have to

carry the load a little.

540

:

Little more than the other in some

instances, but it's also a boundary

541

:

setting, a boundary of okay, I've

tried, I, I will continue to try,

542

:

but I'm gonna leave it in their court

for when they're ready to come to me.

543

:

You know, I, what do you think?

544

:

Alexandra: No, I think that's actually

a, a really, like that idea and I was.

545

:

It got me thinking in terms of

friendships, absolutely put the ball

546

:

back in their court and if they come back

and say something, and sometimes I think

547

:

we talked about it, friendships kind

of like naturally fall away and fade.

548

:

And the people who are meant to be

there and who want to be there will

549

:

be like, take that ball and go, yeah,

okay, so I'm actually free this weekend

550

:

or this time and let's plan something.

551

:

Does that work for you?

552

:

But it got me thinking

about dating where no.

553

:

Really does sometimes

just be, need to be a no.

554

:

And if somebody says, okay, well

if that doesn't work, can we, you

555

:

know, with this date for dinner

or coffee or something ever work?

556

:

And if somebody gives you a second,

no, that, I mean, that might be

557

:

a really time to face of this may

be this person's not interested.

558

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

559

:

Alexandra: again, not really

personal to me, which is hard, right?

560

:

Because if you're facing a dating

situation of someone saying,

561

:

Christine: Yeah.

562

:

Alexandra: personal.

563

:

I

564

:

Christine: Yeah.

565

:

Alexandra: is, but it's also probably not.

566

:

'cause in the long run,

you're probably better off

567

:

Christine: Mm.

568

:

Alexandra: receiving the noling.

569

:

Yeah.

570

:

Thanks.

571

:

Christine: Yeah, I think at at face value,

it definitely presents itself as something

572

:

quite personal, but I think it's more

personal on the person who's saying no.

573

:

Alexandra: Yeah.

574

:

Christine: Right, because like I

know, I think the only way you'll

575

:

hopefully be successful in dating is

if you genuinely show up as yourself.

576

:

And you're not always gonna jive

with people, and that's okay.

577

:

So I know it's hard.

578

:

I I I know it's hard.

579

:

Me, I know.

580

:

But in, in the moments of if it doesn't

feel right for you or if, if for them

581

:

it's not feeling right, don't force it.

582

:

No one wants to be in a situation where

you're just gonna out of obligation

583

:

or, or whatever the case may be.

584

:

Like, if people aren't

585

:

feeling it, then don't force it.

586

:

Alexandra: I think that kind of goes to

we're not friends with everyone for a

587

:

reason because there are people that we

just, like you said, don't jive with.

588

:

And why would we force a, a romantic

relationship with somebody that

589

:

we ultimately don't jive with?

590

:

Christine: Yeah.

591

:

Alexandra: whether you're the

person saying no, 'cause you

592

:

can realize like this person.

593

:

It might be fun for this date, but

it's really, if you're looking for

594

:

something long-term, not gonna go

somewhere, then you can say no.

595

:

And

596

:

Christine: Yeah.

597

:

Alexandra: very perfectly

respectable boundary.

598

:

And for the person receiving that

no can be like, Hey, I appreciate

599

:

they're not wasting my time, or

Yeah, man, that kind of, it sucks.

600

:

It

601

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

602

:

Alexandra: No.

603

:

I mean, like in a job interview,

I mean any, any sort of

604

:

situation where you get a no.

605

:

Like it totally sucks.

606

:

It does feel like rejection,

but ultimately sometimes I think

607

:

it's how we frame something

of saying, okay, that's just.

608

:

No, not right now.

609

:

Or it's a hard no because something

else is coming along the way.

610

:

You know, I think it is taking that,

like putting a, not pushing down that

611

:

feeling of rejection or discomfort.

612

:

Like I don't think that's a

healthy habit and shoving it down

613

:

saying this is a bad emotion.

614

:

Don't feel it.

615

:

But I think it is important

to say, wow, I feel this.

616

:

Put a pause on it before I say something.

617

:

Christine: Hmm,

618

:

Alexandra: and how I respond is important.

619

:

Christine: For sure.

620

:

Alexandra: yeah.

621

:

Christine: I think also

practicing empathy is crucial.

622

:

how would we want others

to react when we say no?

623

:

Definitely that informs how I, you,

we have, the only thing we have in

624

:

our control in, in these sort of

situations is how we react, you know?

625

:

So I certainly like.

626

:

That's at the forefront of my mind

when not just to these situations

627

:

present themselves, but any is,

I always sort of, you know, show

628

:

myself grace and lead with empathy.

629

:

And, you know, it's, it's important

to remember like we can't control

630

:

how others feel, only how we

communicate our boundaries.

631

:

So, yeah, I I definitely,

those are, those are.

632

:

Things I try to keep in mind a lot

when I am sort of contemplating

633

:

where to move forward in certain

situations from from where I'm at.

634

:

But yeah.

635

:

Alexandra: Yeah, and like you

said, like a good reminder thing

636

:

is like our own needs is not.

637

:

Selfish, it's

638

:

Christine: Hmm.

639

:

Alexandra: As you said, you

can continue to show up in any

640

:

situation and be the best version

of yourself, the best of yourself.

641

:

Because if you go to the point

where you've just, I mean, totally

642

:

disrespected yourself because you've

just been giving your time away and

643

:

you're running outta energy and you

have literally nothing else to give,

644

:

Christine: Hmm.

645

:

Alexandra: not gonna show up

who you as, who you wanna be.

646

:

And you're also telling, I mean, depending

on what you believe yourself, the

647

:

universe, like you're okay being treated

that way, that you're okay letting your

648

:

boundaries have, be constantly run over.

649

:

And I'm saying that as somebody

who, who struggles with that,

650

:

who's working on setting better

boundaries and communicating them,

651

:

because we can't control how

other people feel and if other

652

:

people don't like our boundaries.

653

:

This is really hard to accept, that's

a them problem, not a me problem.

654

:

Christine: Right.

655

:

Yeah.

656

:

And

657

:

Alexandra: responsibility to make

658

:

Christine: I

659

:

Alexandra: feel better

about that boundary.

660

:

Christine: absolutely, absolutely.

661

:

I also wanna just say it's never too

late to set a boundary, you know,

662

:

or, or enforce one if you feel like.

663

:

Something is continuously being either

someone's continuously crossing one

664

:

or coming right up to that line.

665

:

It's important to, to push back

and be like, this is a firm line.

666

:

You know, I, and you are completely within

your rights to say you don't deserve

667

:

for your boundaries to be disrespected.

668

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

669

:

Christine: And they're not just

to, for me, they're also for you.

670

:

It's to clearly sort of put

lines into something that is

671

:

otherwise formless, you know?

672

:

And to your point about selfishness,

I, that's something I could.

673

:

That's like going down

a rabbit hole for me.

674

:

Like the self care versus selfishness,

you know, like, where's that line?

675

:

I, I certainly, for me, I don't,

I've struggled to figure out

676

:

knowing what the difference is.

677

:

Like clearly I under, I understand like

there are things you need to do to take

678

:

care of yourself, but sometimes it's,

it's colored in my mind where self-care.

679

:

Is con like for me, like selfish, like

I see it as being selfish, you know?

680

:

Alexandra: I find it very

difficult being your friend to.

681

:

To think that you would ever

get to a point where you weren't

682

:

entirely selfish being, you know,

683

:

Christine: well, thank you.

684

:

Alexandra: if you choose to prioritize

yourself in every situation, you know,

685

:

infinitum for everything, then we

might be having a conversation of okay,

686

:

that might be a little less self-care.

687

:

Christine: Right.

688

:

Alexandra: I,

689

:

Christine: Sure.

690

:

Alexandra: yeah, I think it's

important to be selfish sometimes

691

:

Christine: Hmm.

692

:

Alexandra: seeing as you're

somebody who's very unselfish.

693

:

To prioritize your health,

your, your self-care.

694

:

, I think Christine, you brought up a really

important point of it's never too late to

695

:

set a boundary or reinforce a boundary.

696

:

And I think that's super important

'cause I know I've struggled with that

697

:

in friendships and relationships in the

past of I haven't ever set this boundary

698

:

and it feels almost too late or it's

inappropriate to now set a boundary that's

699

:

different than what I've allowed in the

700

:

Christine: Mm.

701

:

Alexandra: But yeah, I like what you said

702

:

Christine: Yeah.

703

:

Alexandra: late, and I think

that's another very difficult

704

:

part of this conversation.

705

:

If it's already hard to say

706

:

Christine: Mm.

707

:

Oh, for sure.

708

:

Alexandra: you feel like,

I even say no at this point

709

:

Christine: Mm,

710

:

Alexandra: said

711

:

Christine: I have, right?

712

:

The, the greatest piece of advice

I've recently gotten is the

713

:

reminder you are a human being

and it's okay to change your mind.

714

:

Alexandra: Mm.

715

:

Love that.

716

:

Christine: You know, you may have, you

may have thought and said one thing.

717

:

And now you are in a completely

different situation and in a point in

718

:

your life and you feel differently.

719

:

And that is okay.

720

:

And there will, there will be people

in, in your life who you'll come

721

:

across who will see and respect that.

722

:

And some people won't get it

and you can't control that.

723

:

Alexandra: No.

724

:

Christine: don't take it on,

don't try and be like, don't take,

725

:

don't take it personally, I guess

is the simplest way to put it.

726

:

I know that's easier said than done, but

727

:

Alexandra: so much so, yeah.

728

:

Christine: Yeah.

729

:

Alexandra: okay, Christine, I think

we've dabbled a little bit in it so what

730

:

Christine: Yes.

731

:

Alexandra: practice and takeaways?

732

:

Like what, how do we plan

to practice saying no?

733

:

Going forward, what is

your advice, your thoughts?

734

:

Lay it on me.

735

:

'cause I, I wanna know.

736

:

Christine: Well, I think the easiest place

to start is by starting small, right?

737

:

Setting small, realistic goals for saying

no without needing to give a reason.

738

:

You know?

739

:

I'll let you know when

I am able to do that.

740

:

But you know, like some ways

you can do that is just.

741

:

Using simple firm responses.

742

:

No, I can't make it.

743

:

Versus, no, I can't because

just, just, no, I can't make it.

744

:

Just leave it at that.

745

:

And then, you know, practicing in low

stakes situations first, definitely

746

:

I find if the stakes are low, I can

definitely do something more easily.

747

:

The anxiety.

748

:

Is low then.

749

:

And also while you're practicing

preparing for pushback and having a

750

:

response or, or figuring out a way to

stand your ground when you inevitably

751

:

are going to be faced with pushback.

752

:

So those are just a couple strategies

that I, I was sort of, thinking of when.

753

:

Figuring out what to say.

754

:

Alexandra: What

755

:

Christine: is there, go ahead.

756

:

Alexandra: When you were saying

the the, no, I can't make it.

757

:

Or instead of, no, because

758

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

759

:

Alexandra: makes me think of a time

when I was, in my museum professions

760

:

masters where I was doing the

exhibition, the professor slash director

761

:

gallery, the professor slash gallery

director, that's the proper way.

762

:

Order of things.

763

:

There we go.

764

:

Christine: I mean, you had all the words.

765

:

Alexandra: She worked very hard

to train us out of giving a

766

:

rationale before the answer.

767

:

So if she had asked.

768

:

Is the wall or is the intro

text for the wall done?

769

:

She didn't want us to say,

well, we're still working on

770

:

it and editing it, da da da da.

771

:

And she's so the answer is no.

772

:

Christine: Hmm.

773

:

Alexandra: You know?

774

:

So no.

775

:

Then maybe you can give a

short No, it's almost done.

776

:

No, we're in final editing versus giving a

whole long rationale and then your answer.

777

:

So that made me think of what you were

saying, which is no, I cannot make it.

778

:

So I need to

779

:

Christine: Hmm.

780

:

Alexandra: at like shifting the

order of how I say something is no

781

:

Christine: Yeah.

782

:

Alexandra: yes, yes.

783

:

This not because, not the whole why just

784

:

Christine: Yeah.

785

:

Alexandra: short response.

786

:

Christine: I also have found.

787

:

And I don't know if this is something

I wanna do for the rest of my life,

788

:

but it certainly helped in the interim

of coming to terms with not having

789

:

to constantly give a reasoning,

790

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

791

:

Christine: but saying unfortunately, or

I'm sorry to say, like I can't make it.

792

:

You know?

793

:

Like at least then it's

conveying the fact that I wish

794

:

I could, but I can't, you know?

795

:

Alexandra: Yeah, and that's probably more

important with people that you're like.

796

:

That,

797

:

Christine: Yeah.

798

:

Alexandra: Hey, then I really

do wanna be there and I can't,

799

:

Christine: Right.

800

:

Alexandra: somebody at the street

of Hey, can I buy you coffee?

801

:

Christine: No.

802

:

Alexandra: no.

803

:

If you don't know them, just be like,

804

:

Christine: Right.

805

:

No.

806

:

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

807

:

Alexandra: Like use, use

808

:

Christine: I

809

:

Alexandra: intuition to figure

out context clues there, but

810

:

Christine: yeah.

811

:

Yeah.

812

:

So let's also talk about some

situations when saying no feels harder.

813

:

Alexandra: Mm.

814

:

Christine: There's in my mind three,

three big ones work situations where

815

:

saying no to extra to extra tasks.

816

:

I know I can definitely

feel guilty about that, but

817

:

Alexandra: I feel so seen.

818

:

Christine: if you are the best person

to know what your workload is and

819

:

what bandwidth you have, and you are

completely within your right to say no,

820

:

and you shouldn't feel guilty about it

821

:

Alexandra: Hmm.

822

:

Christine: because.

823

:

If you say yes and you take it on,

then you're just doing yourself

824

:

a disservice because now you have

one more thing to try and do.

825

:

I know that's something that I

certainly struggle with especially

826

:

when in my, in my current situation,

my, I love, I, I love my job, but

827

:

you know, it's kind of free flowing.

828

:

You know, things kind of

come up in the moment.

829

:

And it's a good idea, but then I have

to sort of realistically be like, okay,

830

:

yes, but also what else

do I've got going on?

831

:

What else?

832

:

What other deliverables do

I need to meet this week?

833

:

And maybe it's a not right

now sort of situation.

834

:

So I know

835

:

Alexandra: Mm.

836

:

Yeah.

837

:

Christine: I

838

:

Alexandra: yeah, that's

839

:

Christine: go ahead.

840

:

Alexandra: if something new comes on

your plate and then, and you'd love

841

:

for it to be a, not right now, but

there is an immediate deadline on that.

842

:

I feel like crap.

843

:

Christine: Yeah.

844

:

Then you have to say no.

845

:

Alexandra: all my other work, which

also has deadlines, you know, so

846

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

847

:

Alexandra: it's the, the balancing act.

848

:

Christine: For definitely it is.

849

:

And, and that's just life, right?

850

:

It is like figuring out how to

balance all of the, all of the plates.

851

:

All right.

852

:

Without dropping.

853

:

Sometimes you do, but,

854

:

Alexandra: Yeah.

855

:

Christine: And that's when we need to

show grace anyway next social situations.

856

:

Okay, so we've talked about this

quite a bit throughout this, this

857

:

conversation, declining invitations

without feeling like a bad friend.

858

:

I don't know if I'm ever not

gonna feel like a bad friend, but.

859

:

It certainly is comforting to hear

you say you know, when I revealed that

860

:

the struggle I face with self-care

versus selfishness, like how important

861

:

it is to have, how do you say?

862

:

I, you're not a selfish person,

Christine, because like the, the

863

:

self-talk that we, that the way we talk

to ourselves is like probably the loudest.

864

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

865

:

Christine: but You are not a bad

friend if you can't make one gathering.

866

:

You know?

867

:

Or and then it, and then if anything,

it's an opportunity for you to be like,

868

:

okay, it's now I'm saying no

to this and I'm gonna make a

869

:

conscious effort in the future to.

870

:

To meet up with that person one-on-one

or say yes to the next thing you know.

871

:

It's that give and take.

872

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

873

:

And I think particularly in adult

friendships, that's super important.

874

:

If somebody's

875

:

Christine: hmm.

876

:

Alexandra: bent outta shape because

you couldn't make this one thing.

877

:

I think it also kind of depends

on what the one thing is.

878

:

If it's like a wedding or a major life

event, that might be a little bit more

879

:

leeway for feeling a little bit butt hurt.

880

:

Christine: Right.

881

:

Yeah.

882

:

Alexandra: if it's just a hey gathering

and I wanted you to be here like.

883

:

I mean, heck, our friendship has gone

through a lot of waves where it's like

884

:

we did connect a lot and then there's

other weeks where we, we played phone tag

885

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

886

:

Alexandra: adults and we're busy and,

and that, and I think that's sometimes

887

:

the hard thing is like moving, as we

talked about last week, the week before,

888

:

friendships as they evolve over time and

like at different stages in their lives.

889

:

And like sometimes we have

responsibilities that we have to

890

:

get done, so we have to turn down.

891

:

Opportunities to, to hang, hang out with

friends or, and, and a social invite.

892

:

And then there's other times where

not a has to get done today and we

893

:

can kind of shift things around.

894

:

So it's just, it's really, like

you said, it is a balancing act.

895

:

but not

896

:

Christine: Yeah.

897

:

Alexandra: would be very nice.

898

:

Christine: Yes.

899

:

Yeah, I would.

900

:

Alright.

901

:

And the last sort of bucket I

think these, these things fall into

902

:

is family situations, navigating

boundaries with loved ones.

903

:

Alexandra: Mm.

904

:

Christine: Talked a little bit about that

905

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

906

:

Christine: on in the episode.

907

:

Yeah, family's hard because they're

some of the people who know you the most

908

:

intimately, like in terms of they've

known you for so long, or they've,

909

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

910

:

Christine: in some cases, like

they've known you your whole life.

911

:

When you get to a point where you need to.

912

:

Set boundaries for yourself.

913

:

In a lot of ways, that's, that's

gonna be met with hopefully love

914

:

and understanding, but not always.

915

:

And, and people, family might push

back on that because to the point

916

:

that you, that you brought up earlier

917

:

it's, it's okay to set boundaries

even though you might have said yes.

918

:

Or allowed things to happen prior.

919

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

920

:

Christine: I think in particular, family

is one of the most unique situations

921

:

because if it's a situation where a

family member has known you since you

922

:

were born, like they've been a full

adult since y you even entered the

923

:

world, and so they've been able to

establish what they want their life to

924

:

be, but you're just figuring it out.

925

:

And once you reach adulthood.

926

:

It's within your right to, to set

boundaries and do things differently.

927

:

And that's gonna be met with

some criticism or pushback and

928

:

it's important to.

929

:

Be prepared for that pushback.

930

:

Right.

931

:

And have, and have the strategies

in place to stand your ground.

932

:

It's so hard though with family because

933

:

Alexandra: Yeah.

934

:

Christine: I know it's

it's, it's your family.

935

:

I.

936

:

Alexandra: then now you recently helped me

think about, you know, something setting

937

:

a boundary with a relative and I was like,

is it, we had a whole long conversation

938

:

of is you have been worth, it is, is

this one of those situations of you just.

939

:

and live and like we talked

about it for a good long while

940

:

and you kind of helped me like

941

:

Christine: Yeah.

942

:

Alexandra: this person, it may not be

worth it to have that conversation,

943

:

but how else can you set that

boundary, you know, where you're

944

:

not interacting or engaging as much?

945

:

And, and that's super helpful.

946

:

But like you said, that pushback

and that's kind of hard, right?

947

:

With family, people that are meant to

around and support and love you, even

948

:

if that's, that's not always the case.

949

:

Christine: Right.

950

:

Alexandra: And if, if people who

are meant to be in your life and

951

:

supportive, run roughshod over

boundaries, you're now setting,

952

:

I think it says less about the

person setting the boundaries

953

:

and more about the other person.

954

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

955

:

Alexandra: I,

956

:

so in in, in that case, it was like where

we were saying earlier like the no is not.

957

:

Personal when you receive it,

sometimes other people's reactions

958

:

to your boundaries and you saying

no is not ours to take on too.

959

:

You

960

:

Christine: Mm-hmm.

961

:

Yeah.

962

:

Alexandra: I hope that made sense.

963

:

Christine: Oh yeah.

964

:

Alexandra: it did,

965

:

Christine: Yeah, for sure.

966

:

Alexandra: but

967

:

So Christine, you have any final

takeaways for our listeners?

968

:

Any last words of encouragement for those?

969

:

You know, beginning their

journey of telling others no.

970

:

, Christine: I'll start by saying a

well-placed no is an act of self-respect.

971

:

Something that I have realized that

I need to learn more about what that

972

:

means for me, you know, what else?

973

:

Boundaries are necessary and

healthy for a strong relationship.

974

:

And, and learning how to

communicate that is, is.

975

:

Important as well.

976

:

And

977

:

Alexandra: I agree with that.

978

:

Probably more important

than we think it is.

979

:

Christine: And then maybe I'll,

I'll end by, by sort of issuing

980

:

a little challenge for ourselves,

for, for us and for those listening.

981

:

Let's try and say no, this

week, to maybe one or two things

982

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

983

:

Christine: and reflect on how it feels

and sort of sit in it, you know, if it's

984

:

uncomfortable or you're frail guilty, why?

985

:

Like really try and push deep and,

and try and understand it, you

986

:

know, and see where that takes you.

987

:

And you can journal about it, you can.

988

:

Call up a friend, maybe you're gonna

issue this challenge to each other.

989

:

Call up a friend, talk about it.

990

:

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

991

:

Christine: I do.

992

:

I do.

993

:

Way better when I try and

like just talk something out.

994

:

So yeah, I think let's see how that goes.

995

:

Everyone.

996

:

What do we say?

997

:

Alexandra: I like it.

998

:

Christine: Awesome.

999

:

well that's our conversation for today.

:

00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:11,868

Saying no isn't always easy, but

but it is a skill worth practicing,

:

00:46:12,558 --> 00:46:15,798

whether it's setting boundaries,

prioritizing yourself, or simply not.

:

00:46:15,798 --> 00:46:20,148

Overexplaining every No is an

opportunity to honor your own needs.

:

00:46:20,808 --> 00:46:25,878

So next time you feel the pressure to say

Yes when you don't want to remember, no

:

00:46:25,878 --> 00:46:30,828

is a complete sentence and you don't owe

anyone an apology for respecting yourself.

:

00:46:31,638 --> 00:46:33,078

We'd love to hear your thoughts.

:

00:46:33,168 --> 00:46:34,518

Have you struggled with saying no?

:

00:46:35,028 --> 00:46:36,888

How do you navigate it in your own life?

:

00:46:37,548 --> 00:46:42,374

Let us know before we go, next time,

we're finally tackling a topic.

:

00:46:42,374 --> 00:46:44,324

We've been circling since

we started the Mirror.

:

00:46:44,324 --> 00:46:46,034

Project Therapy.

:

00:46:46,814 --> 00:46:49,964

If we're being honest, it is

intimidating figuring out where

:

00:46:49,964 --> 00:46:53,234

to start, what to expect, and

whether it's even the right choice.

:

00:46:53,864 --> 00:46:56,894

In Intro to Therapy, we'll be

sharing our personal experiences,

:

00:46:57,194 --> 00:47:00,824

the fears we had going in, and

what we've learned along the way.

:

00:47:01,334 --> 00:47:04,454

If therapy has ever felt

overwhelming or out of reach.

:

00:47:04,604 --> 00:47:05,474

This one's for you.

:

00:47:06,194 --> 00:47:09,164

As always, thanks for listening

and we'll catch you next time.

:

00:47:10,429 --> 00:47:10,649

Alexandra: Bye.

:

00:47:11,279 --> 00:47:11,969

Christine: Bye guys.

:

00:47:11,969 --> 00:47:12,509

See you soon.

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About your hosts

Profile picture for Christine Borowsky

Christine Borowsky

Introducing our enchanting co-host Christine, a nostalgic soul with a creative spark and an infectious optimism. A devourer of books, a music aficionado, and a film buff, she's immersed in the art of storytelling. Nature is her sanctuary, from forests to oceans. Eager for adventure, she's a perpetual learner, finding growth in every experience. Family and friends provide her comfort and joy. Unafraid of uncomfortable conversations, she navigates them with humor, believing they're vital for understanding and growth. Join her and Alexandra on this podcast where creativity meets curiosity, and laughter blends with wisdom.
Profile picture for Alexandra Montross

Alexandra Montross

Meet Alexandra, the spirited co-host of this captivating podcast, where everyday topics transform into enchanting conversations. With an old soul and a knack for the eclectic, she weaves a unique blend of organization and quirky charm into each discussion. Alexandra's passions span from wellness to metaphysics and dive into the thrilling world of entrepreneurship. Tune in for her lively perspective and insightful takes, adding a touch of magic to every episode alongside Christine. Get ready for a journey where Alexandra's vibrant energy and depth of knowledge create an unforgettable podcast experience.