Episode 13

Rituals Rule the Outcome

🎙️ Habits & Rituals – The Quiet Systems That Shape Us

Episode Summary:

Big goals are exciting—but they don't get us through the hard days. What does? Habits. Rituals. The quiet systems you return to when motivation runs dry. In this episode of The Mirror Project, we’re talking about the small, consistent actions that shape our lives far more than vision boards or January hype ever could.

Because when life gets chaotic, we don’t rise to our goals—we fall to the level of our habits. And if you’ve been wondering how to build daily rituals that actually serve you (and future you), this one’s for you.

🔹 Habits vs. goals – Why your big dreams need small, sustainable actions.

🔹 Building rituals – How to start tiny and stay consistent (even when life’s messy).

🔹 Feeding the right wolf – A powerful mindset shift for long-term change.

Whether you’re thriving with your 2025 resolutions or already feeling like they’ve ghosted you—no shame here—we’ve got real talk and practical tools to help you reset and rebuild. Let’s get into it.

🎧 Listen Now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite platform!

✨ Falling to the Level of Our Habits

✔️ What it really means to fall to the level of our habits—not rise to the level of our goals.

✔️ Spotting the difference: Are your habits serving you or sabotaging you?

✔️ Why resolutions fail—and how small rituals help you build a better foundation (yes, even mid-year).

✨ Setting Yourself Up for Success

✔️ The “two wolves” mindset—what are you feeding every day?

✔️ Visual: Coffee to water—why change takes consistency, not a clean slate.

✔️ Why small rituals matter—because saying one affirmation won’t undo years of self-doubt.

✔️ Getting impatient with progress? Same. Let’s talk about why it’s okay.

✔️ Micro-moves that create momentum—how to build rituals that feel doable daily.

✔️ When to push vs. when to pause—grace and space matter in habit-building.

💡 Pro Tip: Stressed out? That might not be the time to overhaul your life—but it is the time to write down what matters so you can come back to it when you’ve got the bandwidth.

🛠️ Tools & Resources

✔️ Habit trackers – Digital or paper, keep it simple and visible.

✔️ A book we love – Atomic Habits by James Clear.

✔️ Reminder: No habit is too small to matter. Brush your teeth. Drink water. Feed the light.

📲 Connect With Us!

💬 Follow us on Instagram, TikTok, & YouTube: @mirrorprojectpod

☕ Support us on Buy Me a Coffee: Support Us Here

📩 DM us your stories, questions, and tiny rituals—we want to hear what’s working for you!

👉 Next week’s episode: We’re exploring found family—what it means, how to build one, and why chosen connection can be the strongest kind of support. Don’t miss it.

Hit that like, follow, and subscribe button, and we’ll see you next time! 🎙️✨

Transcript

Christine: 00:00:12

Hey there.

: 00:00:12

Welcome back to The Mirror Project.

: 00:00:14

We're your hosts, Christine?

: 00:00:15

Alexandra: I am Alexandra.

: 00:00:16

Christine: And today we're talking

about the quiet systems running

: 00:00:20

in the background of your life,

your habits, and your rituals.

: 00:00:23

You probably heard the phrase, you

don't rise to the level of your goals,

: 00:00:27

you fall to the level of your habits.

: 00:00:29

be real.

: 00:00:30

As much as we love a good vision board

and a fresh journal in January, it's

: 00:00:35

not the lofty goals that shape us.

: 00:00:37

It's the tiny daily actions we return

to, especially when life gets messy.

: 00:00:42

If you've been here for a while,

you might remember our episodes

: 00:00:45

Intro to Therapy and New Year.

: 00:00:47

Same you where we talked about

giving yourself grace while

: 00:00:50

also holding space for growth.

: 00:00:53

this episode is a bridge between

those reflections and the

: 00:00:56

routines that carry us forward.

: 00:00:58

Because here's the truth, pressure,

we go back to what we know.

: 00:01:02

So what are you practicing every day?

: 00:01:05

What are you feeding?

: 00:01:07

Whether you're riding high on

your: 2025

: 00:01:11

already feeling like they flatlined.

: 00:01:14

No judgment.

: 00:01:15

Here, we're diving into how to build

habits and rituals that actually

: 00:01:19

serve you, not just future you.

: 00:01:22

Right now you, let's get into it.

: 00:01:25

Alexandra: so Christine, what

does it mean to fall to the level

: 00:01:29

of our habits, and why don't we

rise to the level of our goals?

: 00:01:35

Christine: I think you can have

the best laid intentions to

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rise to the level of your goals.

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I mean, that's why they're goals.

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You're always striving for them.

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I think realistically, we

do fall onto our habits,

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Good bad.

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Especially those bad ones,

they're really hard to shake.

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but I think like the main point I.

: 00:01:57

That I want us to sort of drive home and

talk about this episode is that falling

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to your habits aren't necessarily a bad

thing if the habits are serving you.

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So I think we can dive into that

more, but that's, that's sort of how

: 00:02:13

I take that really that sentiment.

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How about you?

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What are your thoughts?

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Alexandra: Well, and I think it's a, what

you said there was interesting, right?

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Habits can be good.

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Habits can not serve us.

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I think in the intro you said, fall

to the level of our current habits.

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So I feel like this is a really nice

tie in to some of that new year,

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say me conversation that we had

earlier, that it's okay to, to it

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is great to strive and build habits.

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It takes consistency, it takes

time because when, and honestly

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when life is going crazy.

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It's hard to stay, particularly

if you just started a new habit.

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You're like, I'm gonna start,

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I'm gonna start running every day at 5:00

AM You're like, this is what I'm gonna do.

: 00:03:02

Well, when work gets

hard, life gets crazy.

: 00:03:05

And you just started that habit yesterday.

: 00:03:07

Well honey, you're not

falling back on that habit.

: 00:03:11

So, you know, I think it's,

it's really interesting, right?

: 00:03:13

And it brings up like under

pressure, what do we wanna change?

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What do we wanna rise to?

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And will our current habits really

truly serve us and getting to our goals

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when things aren't going smoothly.

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Christine: and it's hard.

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To think about and try and tackle.

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Like, especially if you're well into

your life here, you know, it's not

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always easy to rewrite, uh, those habits,

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You've been doing them

for a really long time.

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Alexandra: Because they've, they've

obviously served a function and they've

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worked for you up until this point.

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Christine: yeah, exactly.

: 00:03:50

But I think it's also to sort of

harken back to our conversation about

: 00:03:56

self-awareness and our personal growth,

doing the reflection in the times

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where things aren't, you're not under

: 00:04:04

Alexandra: Mm-hmm.

: 00:04:05

Christine: So that you can sort of be a

little critical of yourself positively.

: 00:04:11

Like not harshly, but just sort of

look at how you react, like how you've

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reacted to things or how, What your

instinct is in moments of stress

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and sort of see how you might be

able to maybe rewrite some habits.

: 00:04:27

Maybe you have some habits already

that are serving you really well

: 00:04:30

and so you don't wanna, do you

wanna keep those in your pocket?

: 00:04:34

They, they're really helpful tools.

: 00:04:37

I know for me, I have talked a

lot about how I struggle with, I

: 00:04:42

mean, we all struggle with stress

and different levels of anxiety.

: 00:04:46

I have in the past doubled, struggled.

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I have in the past struggled

with like high levels of and it

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taught me a lot through that.

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I think I talked about

that in the last episode.

: 00:05:02

But it's also helped me and

served me in a positive way.

: 00:05:06

'Cause I now have tools my pocket for

when life hard and it inevitably does.

: 00:05:13

And let's face it, it mostly is hard,

: 00:05:17

Alexandra: I think another

interesting point, right?

: 00:05:18

Like ri instead of rising to the level,

our goals and goals are amazing, right?

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This is what we're striving for.

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This is, I think for me and probably

many others out there, like it's

: 00:05:29

what kind of drives us somewhat.

: 00:05:31

We're like, okay, we're, we're

striving towards a goal in work, in

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a relationship, in social situations,

friendships family, anything.

: 00:05:39

Christine: Right, right.

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Alexandra: And sometimes those goals

are very lofty, which is wonderful.

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But as like we sit and review

like what are our current habits?

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Where are our goals?

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And do they, do they really align?

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And absolutely at any point can

we just change and go, okay, maybe

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that goal no longer or serves us

and this habit doesn't serve us.

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But if we're trying to blend

it together, maybe setting not

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smaller goals, but measurable

milestones along the way can help.

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I don't know, maybe bridge

that divide sometimes.

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When our current habits and our

lofty goals just aren't clicking,

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Is that, does that derail us or.

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Christine: I dunno if it'll derail us.

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It, it would be something

to get used to for sure.

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I think also this is very,

personal, like what works for

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one, what worked for another.

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People struggle in different ways.

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I struggle with anxiety.

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People I love in my life struggle with

depression or addictive personalities.

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And, you know, those are all pieces

to the puzzle of yourself, right?

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and examining the habits you

currently have, how you're coping

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with day-to-day life how you

cope when you're under stress.

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Like those are all really

good things to reflect on.

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And honestly, you can do an exercise.

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With yourself and obviously in moments

of clarity and not high stress,

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where you sort of try and sort of

see okay, what habits are serving me?

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What habits are actually sabotaging me?

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And how can I make those small changes?

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Because I think Like you said,

looking at goals, they can be really

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aspirational or they can be really small.

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So I think that's really

a great place to start.

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so I just wanted to touch on that

so that anybody who's listening to

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this conversation can understand.

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that we see you, where you may be coming

from, what you may be struggling with.

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And there are ways to sort of

set yourself up for success.

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And the most important thing also

is to have a support system as well.

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That's a really good thing to have

when you do have those difficult

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times in your life pop up.

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Alexandra: how can we tell the

difference between habits that serve

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us versus those that sabotage us?

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Christine: I was trying to

touch on that a little bit.

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Like ultimately like whatever's

not doing you anything that's

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doing you more harm than good is

something that's sabotaging you.

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And.

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Things that help you, habits that help

you in your day to day like life and,

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getting you from one day to the next.

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So that's, those are serving you,

those are things that you can build on.

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They're great foundations.

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And once you identify what isn't

serving you, you can try and start

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to think critically about how you can

make those small changes to help, help

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yourself, help your life, help you deal

with stress, all of all those things.

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Alexandra: Do you think that there

are any habits that on the surface

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look like they're serving you, but

may actually have kind of an insidious

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tendency to, to derail us or to,

to maybe not serve you and, and the

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way in which you thought it would?

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Christine: definitely I think for,

I can speak for myself and how I,

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the habit, like touch on a habit

in particular of mine, that on the

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surface I think helps me in the

moment, but does me, can cause me harm.

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whenever I'm sort of confronted with

stress or confrontation in general.

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Like, sometimes that triggers in me,

like my response is to shut down.

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sometimes disassociates, sometimes

a, it is a protection mechanism

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and obviously it serves a purpose.

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However, it doesn't allow me to properly

express myself moments of stress.

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You know, I think a lot of people,

anyone listening can really relate

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to being overwhelmed at times.

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And that, you know, people

react in different ways to

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things that overwhelm them.

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And for me, it, and as I mentioned,

that's particularly I'm affected by that.

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And like, I just sh shut down and

I can't process what's going on.

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And it's like in times of, only in time

do I finally sort of work through things.

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I'm was talking with my mom recently.

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I'm definitely a processor and there's

some people who in the moment can,

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just sort of react and handle things.

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I'm one of those people that, you

know, need to sort of sit with what

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has happened and figure out how I feel

about it and how it's affected me.

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And, Yeah, so that's just one

example I can give based off

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of my own personal experience.

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But is there any other

examples that you can think of?

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Alexandra: Hmm.

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I'm thinking of

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when I was finishing up my MBA, right?

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Like that last semester was hellacious.

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And, and I thought it would also be a

good time to start stacking habits, right?

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I think I had recently listened

to Atomic Habits over the summer

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and I was like, oh, I'm gonna

gonna get my life in order, right?

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And gonna do this all at the same time.

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So it's my habit to try and tackle

a lot of things all at once.

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And I remember during, during that

I was like, okay, I was working on

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building consistency with working

out and all that stuff and, um, I

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decided, I was like, oh, I'm gonna

try running or something like that.

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And, that habit did not stick.

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Surprise, surprise to anyone listening.

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Alexandra is not a runner.

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But it led to a really interesting

conversation and I had been.

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I would say it was like a couple

weeks of, of me at lunch going out

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for, when I say run, I mean jog.

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There was some light

sprinting, light running.

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Because again, I had not been

running in a while and a coworker

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stopped me in the elevator.

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He's like, oh, I, I noticed you've, you've

been going out to run more recently.

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Are, are you a, a runner?

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And I said, no.

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And it brought up an interesting

conversation in the sense of he's

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like, there's sometimes a correlation.

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I don't know if it was like

psychologically, but sometimes people

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pick up habits like running when they're

really stressed and is in a sense that

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they are running from their problems.

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Like, I mean, yes, it's

in physical exertion.

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And I was like oh my gosh.

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I think in that sense he was right because

outside of that semester I was like,

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I have no desire to pick up running.

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This is not something

I'm like, you know what?

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I'm going to become a runner.

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that it really was

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on one side could be a habit that would

serve somebody else very, very well.

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Like they running is good

for them, they enjoy running.

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But for me, it on the surface like, okay,

yeah, you're getting out this energy.

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But in some sense I was just prolonging

the problem because I was running away

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from the thing I needed to do rather

than, you know, deal with it or like just,

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uh, find a different way to change my.

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So I think in that sense some habits,

some behaviors that are billed as good,

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healthy you know, will serve, you can

become a little bit, not sabotaged

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in a way, but kind of like almost.

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Keep you from where you need to

go, particularly if after that

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stressful period of time, it

just kind of falls the wayside.

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But I think in that sense I think that's

a habit, at least what I can point to

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right now that I, I think is on the

surface may seem like, oh, this is a, this

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is a habit that'll serve you, well help

you get rid of ener like excess energy.

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But and in actuality, in my case,

I was just running from dealing

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with the load of work I had to

accomplish in a short period of time.

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Which, I have noticed that habit

has picked up this past few weeks.

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I was like, oh, you know, hey,

I'm like, I'm like, do I wanna

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add in jogging and running?

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'cause I'm like, Ooh, this is a

great different way to work my body.

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Or is it more of like, well, I'm really

stressed at work and, you know, other

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things are going on and, you know,

coming up to a busy, busy time of year

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that I'm like, all right, now am I

just, am I just running for my problems?

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So.

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That's a conversation to

dive into another time.

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But,

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Christine: Right.

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Alexandra: In that vein, why do you

think New Year's resolutions often fail?

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And what role do our habits or

people's rituals play in those new

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resolutions, failures, and successes?

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Christine: I think a lot of what our.

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New Year's resolutions, goals,

whatever you wanna call them.

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They, they, there's like

a societal element, like

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It's very cyclical, like, oh, it's

a new year, time to start that diet,

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time to start going back to the gym.

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So there's all of that sort of PR pressure

of like, oh, I should probably do this

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because it's that time of year again.

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And that if, that, if you don't have an

intentional plan around how you're going

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to approach your health and your, like

exercise and the food you're eating,

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then you're just gonna fall back on

your habits, yeah, you're just gonna

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fall back on the habits that you always.

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Lean on in times of stress or

when time passes by and you kind

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of just throw your hands up and

say, oh, I'll get 'em next year.

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And I think a lot of people, they

reach a point where it's hard.

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It's hard to change who you are.

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It's possible, but I think a lot

of people sort of, back up from

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trying to really change who they

are because it's a lot of work.

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You have to really hold yourself

accountable and you gotta

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really just push yourself.

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And sometimes that's not feasible and

sometimes people just don't want to.

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Alexandra: I was gonna say, I like

that you said hold yourself accountable

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because I almost thought you were

gonna say you have to really want it.

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And I think that the fact that you said

hold yourself accountable and do it is so,

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is like the important distinction, right?

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Because we can want something.

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With intense desire, we can wanna do

better, we can want to hold onto those

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new user resolutions and keep them

going all the way through the year.

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But wanting is just that

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Action is what takes the work

and often where it can fall down.

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Christine: Right.

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And I think we've talked

about this between us.

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We've talked about this

on the podcast here.

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It's not a straight line.

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Alexandra: Oh.

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Christine: I feel like that's

the biggest crack of bullshit

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I've ever heard in my life.

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Like, you're going to be on this

rollercoaster throughout all of your life.

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You're gonna have amazing

highs and amazing lows.

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And sometimes you'll just be

steady there in the center.

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But.

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You know, that's what

makes life what life is.

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That's what makes life enjoyable at times.

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That's what makes life really

suck and be devastating at times.

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: 00:16:53

And you just gotta, hold on for the ride.

289

: 00:16:56

And when you can, you know, try and

make those changes for yourself.

290

: 00:17:02

I honestly think the, the best way and the

best way the easiest pathway to success,

291

: 00:17:07

I don't know if easiest is the right word.

292

: 00:17:09

The best way to success is like

taking those small steps because

293

: 00:17:13

they do add up at the end of the day.

294

: 00:17:15

slow and steady wins the race.

295

: 00:17:16

That analogy just keep pushing

yourself forward as best you can.

296

: 00:17:22

Alexandra: So

297

: 00:17:22

Christine: do it every

day, but that's okay.

298

: 00:17:25

Alexandra: very true.

299

: 00:17:26

Christine: Keep coming back to it

300

: 00:17:28

Alexandra: Thinking back to our new

year, same new Year, same me, new

301

: 00:17:31

Year, same you, whatever episode,

whatever the title was of that episode.

302

: 00:17:35

Do you, you recall what some of your

resolutions were for the early goals for

303

: 00:17:39

2025 were and what habits do you feel

like you've, you've started, that are

304

: 00:17:45

helping you in, are there any habits

that you have fallen back on that

305

: 00:17:49

aren't helping you reach those goals?

306

: 00:17:51

This year?

307

: 00:17:51

308

: 00:17:52

Christine: that's a great question.

309

: 00:17:54

I feel like last year I had such clear

goals for what I wanted: 2024

310

: 00:18:00

year has been a good year, I will say

that, compared to past years, but it's.

311

: 00:18:08

I don't think I had, as in intentional

of like a sit down with myself

312

: 00:18:12

about what my goals for 2025 are.

313

: 00:18:15

I will tell you this, if I told

myself I would be moving this year,

314

: 00:18:19

I would laugh in your face right now.

315

: 00:18:21

I, in January had no, I had no thought in

her head that she was going to be moving

316

: 00:18:27

in July, but that's what's happening.

317

: 00:18:29

So life's sunny.

318

: 00:18:31

But it's become a new goal, right?

319

: 00:18:32

It with reflection.

320

: 00:18:35

And over time I realized

I was ready for a change.

321

: 00:18:39

I think also too, like of course

January is a great time to set goals.

322

: 00:18:45

It's the start of a new year.

323

: 00:18:46

It, it's only, it only makes sense,

but also it's okay to set goals

324

: 00:18:52

for yourself throughout the year.

325

: 00:18:54

Things change and.

326

: 00:18:56

How you felt in January might

not be aligned with how you're

327

: 00:19:00

feeling now in June or when this

episode comes out in June, so,

328

: 00:19:05

Alexandra: yeah, halfway through the year.

329

: 00:19:07

Yeah.

330

: 00:19:07

Christine: yeah, exactly.

331

: 00:19:09

It's crazy to think, but yeah, to

answer your question I feel like

332

: 00:19:13

I'm not the best person to ask in

terms of the goals I set for myself.

333

: 00:19:17

In January.

334

: 00:19:18

I will say the habits that do

serve me have been really helpful

335

: 00:19:25

in managing stress and my anxiety.

336

: 00:19:28

'cause there has been times of

high stress and high anxiety

337

: 00:19:31

in the last several months.

338

: 00:19:33

So that's been very helpful.

339

: 00:19:35

340

: 00:19:37

Alexandra: Are you comfortable

sharing what some of those habits

341

: 00:19:39

are for anyone else who might be

dealing with stress and looking

342

: 00:19:41

for new ways to, to cope or manage?

343

: 00:19:45

Christine: Sure I might have shared

before, but I I'm a processor.

344

: 00:19:50

As I said, I like to talk things out.

345

: 00:19:52

It helps me just sort of

process what I'm going through.

346

: 00:19:56

It also allows me to

communicate, with my loved ones.

347

: 00:20:01

I in particular, there's been like

a lot of things going on at work.

348

: 00:20:07

We're working on this project aside

from our, what we're already doing,

349

: 00:20:11

like running our, the business.

350

: 00:20:14

So that has caused a lot of

stress, anxiety, some tension.

351

: 00:20:20

You know, we're getting into the summer.

352

: 00:20:21

There's a lot of things that are still

up in the air, and it's sort of like a

353

: 00:20:27

time when it rains, it pours and it, it

is pouring in some regards, but it's not

354

: 00:20:34

necessarily affecting me all that much.

355

: 00:20:36

But, yeah, the best way I've found

to sort of deal with my stress and

356

: 00:20:40

anxiety is to just talk it out.

357

: 00:20:43

Whether that's to a person, whether

I literally just, sometimes I just

358

: 00:20:48

like hit record on my phone and

talk as if I'm talking to a person.

359

: 00:20:53

I don't always, I don't usually

go back and listen to it, but

360

: 00:20:56

just like that exercise, it's like

an audio diary or, or I write it

361

: 00:21:00

down or yeah, or I write it down.

362

: 00:21:04

Those, those are sort of my.

363

: 00:21:06

My go-to tools and then when, you know,

I start to really struggle and maybe a

364

: 00:21:12

panic attack or anxiety attack is, um,

building, now know how to recognize like

365

: 00:21:21

my physical symptoms when they start

to manifest and try and do exercises

366

: 00:21:27

to help sort of alleviate the stress.

367

: 00:21:30

Just focus on your breathing and

try and block out any external

368

: 00:21:37

focus on what's in front of you.

369

: 00:21:38

Those really help me in those moments.

370

: 00:21:41

So I hope I.

371

: 00:21:43

Maybe that might help you if, or maybe

you're already doing that, maybe you have

372

: 00:21:46

something better that you wanna suggest.

373

: 00:21:48

I'm all ears.

374

: 00:21:48

I could use all the help I can get.

375

: 00:21:50

So, yeah,

376

: 00:21:53

Alexandra: Do you feel that you

have any, your current habits, do

377

: 00:21:57

you feel like any of them aren't

supporting you in getting you to your

378

: 00:22:02

goals or what you're striving for?

379

: 00:22:04

380

: 00:22:05

Christine: Sometimes when I'm in

times of high stress, I don't always

381

: 00:22:11

make the best choices around food.

382

: 00:22:15

I mean, how you fuel your

body is really important.

383

: 00:22:18

I definitely sometimes just

like go for the easy option or.

384

: 00:22:25

Go for something that'll

make me feel better.

385

: 00:22:26

And like that isn't always the best way to

386

: 00:22:29

Alexandra: this is.

387

: 00:22:29

Christine: And I would always sort

of like, promise myself, well,

388

: 00:22:31

I'm gonna do better tomorrow.

389

: 00:22:34

that usually doesn't always,

that usually doesn't work.

390

: 00:22:37

But I think a big thing I've

sort of worked on for myself

391

: 00:22:42

is being kinder to myself.

392

: 00:22:45

And so when those, when those moments

happen, just trying to not like.

393

: 00:22:50

yourself up any even more

than you're already feeling.

394

: 00:22:54

So, How about you?

395

: 00:22:56

Alexandra: How about me?

396

: 00:22:56

What, which, which one of those

questions do you want me to answer?

397

: 00:23:00

Christine: Well, why don't you

start with let's reflect on your,

398

: 00:23:03

your, your goals for the year.

399

: 00:23:05

How are you feeling about them?

400

: 00:23:06

How have your habits played

a role in the success

401

: 00:23:10

Alexandra: sure.

402

: 00:23:11

Christine: Or not success?

403

: 00:23:14

Alexandra: So, okay.

404

: 00:23:15

I really don't remember what I said

on the podcast about what my goals

405

: 00:23:19

were, but I think some of them were

bigly, like in general, like health,

406

: 00:23:25

continuing to, to nourish and in

the broader context, lose weight.

407

: 00:23:30

I do think I've actually made quite a

bit of progress towards that this year.

408

: 00:23:34

And there's been some habits that have

introduced, like, one of somebody,

409

: 00:23:38

one of the practitioners I see had

suggested I try fasting for 12 hours.

410

: 00:23:42

And at first that was a little difficult

considering background with, uh, anorexia.

411

: 00:23:48

And, but as I built that into my, my

habits, I feel like that did help with

412

: 00:23:55

some of like my lab work, uh, to reduce

a number of metrics she was looking at.

413

: 00:24:00

And I feel like that is now a habit.

414

: 00:24:01

I feel like I've fully cemented

and so that one feels good.

415

: 00:24:06

Like I've fallen to like, if, if in

times of stress, that's one that I,

416

: 00:24:09

I fall to because I have put such

intention into building that habit.

417

: 00:24:13

That one seems to be serving me.

418

: 00:24:15

She wants me to try

and fast like 16 hours.

419

: 00:24:17

A couple times a week.

420

: 00:24:19

That one's not one I'm, I'm particularly

stressing about at the moment.

421

: 00:24:23

And to move my body with more consistency.

422

: 00:24:25

So I have a few, few habits, few

things that are set up for that.

423

: 00:24:29

So, there's a, a group of women

that I walk with at work most

424

: 00:24:33

lunches, which is wonderful.

425

: 00:24:34

We walk about 30 minutes and

days that we can't, that's okay.

426

: 00:24:38

I try to either get out and go do

something or make sure I, I, you

427

: 00:24:41

know, do some sort of workout at home.

428

: 00:24:43

And on top of that, I've been trying

to add in some strength training and

429

: 00:24:46

you know, variety in my workouts.

430

: 00:24:48

And that one, I will say has

been, as you talked about earlier,

431

: 00:24:52

progress isn't always linear.

432

: 00:24:54

It's, it's a rollercoaster.

433

: 00:24:56

It's, it twists and turns and giving

myself a little more grace within,

434

: 00:25:01

within the process of change, not

just within, you know, health and

435

: 00:25:05

and nutrition, but in all aspects.

436

: 00:25:07

Has been harder.

437

: 00:25:08

My ha my habit is to

be very self-critical.

438

: 00:25:14

Not like constructive critique,

but like very self-critical.

439

: 00:25:18

Um, so I will say that

habit is slowly changing.

440

: 00:25:22

, But in moments of like everything is

stress, anxiety is high, stress is

441

: 00:25:26

high, it is, I do notice myself, the

initial thought is to revert back to

442

: 00:25:31

like, oh, I should have done more.

443

: 00:25:32

I should have done better.

444

: 00:25:33

Why did I say that?

445

: 00:25:34

I shouldn't have done that.

446

: 00:25:35

This is too much.

447

: 00:25:36

But I do notice that some of the

habits that have been working on

448

: 00:25:38

when stress isn't present, it,

those are like bubbling up quicker.

449

: 00:25:42

Saying, oh, hey, no, you know,

you're doing everything you can.

450

: 00:25:45

So that's just one example.

451

: 00:25:47

I do feel like an intention was to.

452

: 00:25:49

Work on my personal business this year,

and that one's taken slow, steady steps.

453

: 00:25:55

Is it as fast as I would, would like?

454

: 00:25:57

No, I think a new goal that I'm probably

adding, you know, midway through the

455

: 00:26:01

year is to work on patients to not

want to be zero to 60 right away.

456

: 00:26:06

So that one's, that one's where

I kind of fall down a little bit

457

: 00:26:08

sometimes when things are, when

I'm stressed or, you know, it's

458

: 00:26:12

just like, why isn't it here yet?

459

: 00:26:13

Why haven't I masked this?

460

: 00:26:15

Like, so that one's one that definitely

I current have like current habit is

461

: 00:26:19

to just go back to it should be done.

462

: 00:26:23

Um, so that one's not serving, but

I think that's kind of where I'm at.

463

: 00:26:27

What are there some habits

that are not serving?

464

: 00:26:30

Weirdly.

465

: 00:26:30

Okay.

466

: 00:26:30

So sometimes I think when I.

467

: 00:26:32

Times are stressful or I'm

like noticing, I'm like, oh, I

468

: 00:26:34

wanna change, I wanna do this.

469

: 00:26:36

I think sometimes I can fall too

heavily into like self-help stuff.

470

: 00:26:40

Like I'll like, I'm like, oh, I should

read this book and then this book and

471

: 00:26:44

I'll add things to add things to my plate.

472

: 00:26:47

Versus just say, whoa,

this is a stressful time.

473

: 00:26:52

You wanna change this.

474

: 00:26:53

Let's come back to this.

475

: 00:26:54

Pick one thing.

476

: 00:26:55

Go from there.

477

: 00:26:56

So I think that habit of like, let me

add more to my plate is, is certainly

478

: 00:27:00

not serving me and I need to get,

479

: 00:27:02

Like to get better at boundaries

and saying, no, we do not

480

: 00:27:07

need to add something more.

481

: 00:27:09

Christine: sure.

482

: 00:27:09

That's boundaries.

483

: 00:27:11

Ooh, so simple, yet, so hard.

484

: 00:27:14

Alexandra: Why

485

: 00:27:15

Christine: because we're human beings

and we like to make things complicated.

486

: 00:27:20

Alexandra: this is true, yes, we do

like to make things very complicated.

487

: 00:27:24

Christine: Yeah.

488

: 00:27:25

I think also I'm.

489

: 00:27:28

As I said, I'm a processor, but

that also can lead to overthinking.

490

: 00:27:32

A big overthinker and that is

definitely something that is a habit

491

: 00:27:38

that does not serve me of the time.

492

: 00:27:42

And it might be something that

I'll never be able to shake,

493

: 00:27:47

you know, like shake that habit.

494

: 00:27:49

But maybe reframing how that

aspect of my personality operates.

495

: 00:27:57

Maybe I try not to give it as much

power over me and my decision making.

496

: 00:28:03

There's definitely no simple

answer to that one, even though.

497

: 00:28:05

So those who may not struggle with

overthinking will just say like,

498

: 00:28:08

well, just don't think about it.

499

: 00:28:10

Or just let it go.

500

: 00:28:12

Well, now I have something

else to obsess over.

501

: 00:28:14

Are you telling me to let something go?

502

: 00:28:16

Woo, baby.

503

: 00:28:17

I'm not gonna let it go now.

504

: 00:28:20

Alexandra: You are like, you've just

put the key in the ignition for me to

505

: 00:28:22

overthink about that new destination.

506

: 00:28:25

Christine: Thanks for adding one more

thing to the plate, to the roster.

507

: 00:28:31

but yeah, I think, you know,

being a human is hard enough.

508

: 00:28:35

Trying to find ways to not beat

yourself up or make, make your life

509

: 00:28:40

harder definitely the goal most days.

510

: 00:28:44

You agree?

511

: 00:28:45

Yeah.

512

: 00:28:46

Well I think this is a perfect

point in our conversation

513

: 00:28:48

to maybe take a step back.

514

: 00:28:51

There's a quote that you and I

have heard, actually, I think

515

: 00:28:54

this comes from a parable or a

it's a story from native tribes.

516

: 00:28:59

Actually, I heard this recently.

517

: 00:29:01

This, the analogy of the two

wolves that live inside us.

518

: 00:29:05

If you're not familiar there is

a story about the fact that there

519

: 00:29:09

are two wolves that are inside you

and they're always fighting always.

520

: 00:29:14

One is darkness and despair, and

the other one is light and hope.

521

: 00:29:19

Which wolf wins is the question

that we often need to ask ourselves.

522

: 00:29:26

Well, Alexandra, which wolf wins?

523

: 00:29:29

Alexandra: It's gonna be the

one that you feed the most.

524

: 00:29:32

Christine: Yes.

525

: 00:29:34

Which is, so what a beautiful,

simple analogy for something

526

: 00:29:39

so major and complex.

527

: 00:29:42

I think it's really easy in times

of stress to fall to what that one

528

: 00:29:49

wolf, one that's darkness and despair,

depression, whatever your demons are that

529

: 00:29:54

are just trying to swallow you whole.

530

: 00:29:56

But it's in those moments

the most where you need.

531

: 00:29:59

I mean that other wolf to rally

that one, that, that wolf,

532

: 00:30:02

that is light hope passion.

533

: 00:30:05

I definitely sort of pride myself on

being a generally positive, bubbly person.

534

: 00:30:13

Always trying to look on

the bright sider of things.

535

: 00:30:17

I really, really am like this

with my wolf of light and hope.

536

: 00:30:21

But sometimes that wolf of darkness of

swallows you whole for a little bit.

537

: 00:30:27

I think Alexandra, you have a

great visual example of this.

538

: 00:30:32

Alexandra: Yeah.

539

: 00:30:33

Uh, it was something I saw when scrolling

on, you know, Instagram months back

540

: 00:30:38

and it, it really stuck with me so much

so, so that it made me think of therapy

541

: 00:30:42

and I brought it to my therapist.

542

: 00:30:44

I was like, look at

this interesting video.

543

: 00:30:45

And it was talking about change, right?

544

: 00:30:48

So the visual example was somebody who

had a, a, a clear glass that it was full

545

: 00:30:52

of coffee and they're like, okay, this

is like you wanting to change, right?

546

: 00:30:56

Full of coffee, whatever your

current habits are, whatever

547

: 00:30:59

your current thoughts are.

548

: 00:31:00

And so now you're gonna, you've

decided you wanna change.

549

: 00:31:02

So they take that cup, clear cup full

of coffee, and they go stick it under

550

: 00:31:07

the tap and they turn the water on.

551

: 00:31:10

Well, what do you think happens?

552

: 00:31:12

Christine: The cup of coffee slowly

starts to become a cup of water.

553

: 00:31:16

Alexandra: Yeah, but it's not and

clearly we would go, yeah, obviously

554

: 00:31:19

that, that becomes, but when watching

this thing, it was like, it took.

555

: 00:31:23

Longer than expected.

556

: 00:31:25

Because change is not

like a cup of coffee.

557

: 00:31:28

It's where you can, can dump it out

and then here, lemme stick it on the

558

: 00:31:32

tap and fill it up with the water,

the things I wanna replace it with.

559

: 00:31:35

No, it takes time.

560

: 00:31:37

Like that tap will

sometimes you rushing in

561

: 00:31:40

It still won't change the coffee to

water or push out the coffee because

562

: 00:31:44

that water's going in as it's pushing

out your old habits, your old thoughts.

563

: 00:31:48

That doesn't happen instantaneously.

564

: 00:31:50

Sometimes it slows to a trickle.

565

: 00:31:52

Sometimes it's speed the back up.

566

: 00:31:53

And then so slowly over time

you start to see that coffee

567

: 00:31:57

all rise out and then fall over.

568

: 00:32:00

And even then it still takes a little

bit of time for it to clear, completely

569

: 00:32:04

clear the coffee and become water.

570

: 00:32:05

And I looked at that and I was like, huh.

571

: 00:32:09

Wow, that is so simple.

572

: 00:32:10

That's so easy to grasp.

573

: 00:32:12

Why is it so difficult to think

of and change in this way?

574

: 00:32:15

Like to me, you know, people

like New Year, new you, it's

575

: 00:32:20

almost like January one, whatever

date you pick, it's gonna come.

576

: 00:32:25

We're gonna throw out everything

that hasn't worked for me this past.

577

: 00:32:28

Okay, I'm gonna wake up and I'm

a whole new person tomorrow.

578

: 00:32:30

The likelihood that that happens for, for

most people, I feel like is very slim.

579

: 00:32:34

So this is not a situation where

like, oh, dump the coffee now we're

580

: 00:32:38

gonna start filling you up with water.

581

: 00:32:40

We're gonna do all these great habits.

582

: 00:32:41

We're gonna be da, da.

583

: 00:32:44

'cause life doesn't work that way.

584

: 00:32:45

Or at least it hasn't in my experience.

585

: 00:32:46

So then when I started to think about

change as the water coming in it, and

586

: 00:32:52

even like for me, if they take the example

of like how you talk to yourself, if.

587

: 00:32:58

You are pouring coffee back into that

cup as you're pouring water in it.

588

: 00:33:01

Well, that water's not gonna change.

589

: 00:33:04

That coffee's not gonna

change the water quicker.

590

: 00:33:07

We're just gonna still

add more coffee in it.

591

: 00:33:09

So I think it's, it's a really interesting

visual it's something that, you know,

592

: 00:33:13

I certainly made me feel supported as

I think about the process of change and

593

: 00:33:16

try to change over, over the year so far.

594

: 00:33:18

So, yeah.

595

: 00:33:20

So Christine, what are your initial

thoughts and reactions to, to

596

: 00:33:24

both the quote and the visual?

597

: 00:33:26

Christine: I think

598

: 00:33:27

Alexandra: I.

599

: 00:33:27

Christine: like I, I said, I think

they're perfectly sum up a really complex.

600

: 00:33:33

Thing about being a human, about like

complex thing about the human condition.

601

: 00:33:38

it makes a lot of sense.

602

: 00:33:40

I certainly feel seen, I think

it's something a lot of people

603

: 00:33:44

relate to it definitely a little

comfort as well in terms of what

604

: 00:33:51

I'm experiencing isn't necessarily

something that's uniquely mine.

605

: 00:33:56

A lot of people can relate to

what it's like to experience life

606

: 00:34:01

and times of hardship and that's

one of the things I love well.

607

: 00:34:07

'Cause it connects us all.

608

: 00:34:08

So those are, that's how

it all makes me feel.

609

: 00:34:12

And I guess from here, why don't we sort

of talk about how setting intentional

610

: 00:34:19

rituals, they don't have to be big

for yourself, uh, that are easy to

611

: 00:34:24

do, that you can adopt as a daily

practice especially for those moments

612

: 00:34:29

when stress or when you're struggling,

to make those habit changes big.

613

: 00:34:35

What do you think?

614

: 00:34:36

Any suggestions?

615

: 00:34:37

Alexandra: Before we jump into that,

I, I kinda wanna go back 'cause I had a

616

: 00:34:40

thought about the visual of the wolves or

the, the story of the wolves real quick.

617

: 00:34:44

And you mentioned how you're,

you really do feed your, your

618

: 00:34:48

positive light hope wolf a lot.

619

: 00:34:51

I would say I have a very, I don't.

620

: 00:34:53

Particularly as it comes to me, right?

621

: 00:34:55

Like I've, I've definitely felt

like I've fed more subconsciously

622

: 00:34:59

the one darkness and despair and,

and mostly in how I talk to myself.

623

: 00:35:04

And so it's interesting 'cause you

said you feel like your light wolf kind

624

: 00:35:07

of is very much present and, and then

sometimes the darkness can despair and

625

: 00:35:11

the light one rises up to, to meet that.

626

: 00:35:14

And I feel like I've had a,

627

: 00:35:16

I've malnourished the light

wolf for a very long part,

628

: 00:35:20

huge part of my life, right?

629

: 00:35:22

Like, I've spent so much time

on the focus, on the negative

630

: 00:35:24

criticisms, the things I don't

like about myself and the constant

631

: 00:35:28

reiteration of that in my thoughts.

632

: 00:35:30

So, as much as I'd love that

light wolf to just come up and

633

: 00:35:33

say, oh gosh, no, stay back.

634

: 00:35:36

I'm keeping you at bay.

635

: 00:35:37

It's, it's very much.

636

: 00:35:38

I think it goes back to

giving yourself grace.

637

: 00:35:40

Like okay, things are, don't necessarily

change over light night and it's

638

: 00:35:43

okay to still not think so highly of

yourself while still trying to change.

639

: 00:35:48

So definitely trying to feed that wolf,

that light wolf for me enough that

640

: 00:35:52

she be, becomes strong enough that

she can more easily stand up to the

641

: 00:35:57

despair and darkness when it comes in.

642

: 00:35:59

So I think that's just really interesting.

643

: 00:36:01

'Cause I think one, one, you know, as

you feed one, the other isn't being fed.

644

: 00:36:05

So it's, it's everything

in balance, right.

645

: 00:36:07

And I think, um, I've seen an

image of like this where the wolves

646

: 00:36:12

are almost, uh, curled around

each other like a yin and yang.

647

: 00:36:14

So, which is kind of cool.

648

: 00:36:16

But that just made me think of that 'cause

yeah, sometimes we, we just even need

649

: 00:36:20

to start feeding one wol over the other.

650

: 00:36:23

'cause the other one is just

like, I'm sitting here and I

651

: 00:36:26

can't even because I have nothing.

652

: 00:36:29

Nothing to give.

653

: 00:36:30

I'm all tapped out.

654

: 00:36:31

But setting intentional

rituals and practices.

655

: 00:36:34

I think in some ways, like you

mentioned, it's, it's starting small.

656

: 00:36:37

Particularly if you, if anyone has

the experience of like, okay, these

657

: 00:36:41

lofty, I'm gonna do this habit, I'm

gonna start getting up at 5:00 AM

658

: 00:36:45

every day and I'm gonna go work out,

well, that's a compound goal, right?

659

: 00:36:49

That's you're gonna get up at 5:00 AM

660

: 00:36:51

And you're gonna get your ass

outta bed, and then you're also

661

: 00:36:54

gonna get yourself working out.

662

: 00:36:56

So in some sense, to me, I

think what is a realistic goal?

663

: 00:37:01

Is it a realistic goal that I set

my alarm at five o'clock and no

664

: 00:37:05

matter what, I roll myself outta bed.

665

: 00:37:08

And that's what I do for a

while until that becomes habit.

666

: 00:37:12

And I think something that I was.

667

: 00:37:13

Impactful for me as I was reading,

like atomic habits, like small things.

668

: 00:37:19

And then when you build comfort with

that, or not comfort habit, when it

669

: 00:37:24

becomes a part of your routine, then you

can like stack another habit with it.

670

: 00:37:28

And that may not work for everyone.

671

: 00:37:29

I mean, doesn't always work for me, but

back in college, I, I remember seeing

672

: 00:37:35

something that it takes 21 days to make

a habit, but 90 days to make a lifestyle.

673

: 00:37:42

And I think sometimes that's

the difference, right?

674

: 00:37:45

And for me, I have to think of it

more than just three weeks out.

675

: 00:37:50

I have to think about it.

676

: 00:37:51

Like, is this something I want to build

into my routine as a lifestyle change?

677

: 00:37:56

Not as a, a quick fix, a temporary

holder to get me to this one goal?

678

: 00:38:02

Is this really aligned with

what I want to do in life?

679

: 00:38:05

And so sometimes not gonna

keep up with it every day, but

680

: 00:38:08

when I fall down on a habit.

681

: 00:38:10

Instead of maybe saying, oh,

well today's done, I'm, I'm, ugh.

682

: 00:38:14

You know, and just

kinda let everything go.

683

: 00:38:16

Just say, okay, well next time

I come up to that situation,

684

: 00:38:20

I'm just gonna say no thank you.

685

: 00:38:22

Or it's a new opportunity, not

necessarily waiting for a new day,

686

: 00:38:27

but every moment is a new opportunity

to do what I said I would do.

687

: 00:38:32

But that's, that's what's worked for me.

688

: 00:38:34

So what about you, Christine?

689

: 00:38:35

Any, what are your experiences

and what advice would you have

690

: 00:38:38

about intentional little rituals?

691

: 00:38:42

And it could be, you know, for the big

things of major life goals to small

692

: 00:38:47

goals of health, like self care, what

693

: 00:38:50

Christine: Yeah.

694

: 00:38:51

Well I think like there these

rituals, these habits, daily

695

: 00:38:57

practices, they're all like building

blocks and they're foundational.

696

: 00:39:01

And.

697

: 00:39:03

I think the goal of any one person

would be to try and build a strong, a

698

: 00:39:09

strong foundation and when something

cracks, like addressing it and trying

699

: 00:39:13

to repair it or replace it or whatever.

700

: 00:39:16

So looking at your habits and your rituals

that light as a way to help build you up

701

: 00:39:23

will definitely help reach any sort of

lofty or goal you may set for yourself.

702

: 00:39:29

And I agree wholeheartedly, like

how you just laid out that one

703

: 00:39:33

goal of I'm gonna get up at 5:00

AM every day and go to the gym.

704

: 00:39:37

That's not just one thing.

705

: 00:39:38

That's three separate

things just in one sentence.

706

: 00:39:43

So I think you're totally right.

707

: 00:39:45

If that, if, hey, if your goal is going to

be getting up at 5:00 AM going to the gym

708

: 00:39:50

every morning, then start with one piece.

709

: 00:39:53

Start with waking up at 5:00 AM

710

: 00:39:56

And if.

711

: 00:39:59

You feel like that is a loft, that is a

goal you can achieve on a daily basis,

712

: 00:40:04

or five or six days out of the week.

713

: 00:40:08

Then moving on to step two, outta bed.

714

: 00:40:13

Okay, you've gotten up at five, you're

getting outta bed shortly thereafter.

715

: 00:40:19

Like literally taking

it one piece at a time

716

: 00:40:23

And really allowing that to become part

of who, of who you are, but of what your

717

: 00:40:27

daily act, ritual or activity is like.

718

: 00:40:31

That unfortunately is never going to

be my goal, but I, I like the thought

719

: 00:40:35

process and I think that's really

helpful in building building up.

720

: 00:40:44

Those sort of rituals or habits

and being intentional about it,

721

: 00:40:48

Is you're being intentional about

how you're approaching these habits.

722

: 00:40:53

And I know for me things that really work

723

: 00:41:00

meditation is really helpful.

724

: 00:41:02

Like a great way to sort of

recenter and reevaluate things.

725

: 00:41:07

I, like, I call them like

little check-ins with myself.

726

: 00:41:10

I, I, I do them every few months to

just sort of take inventory, I guess, of

727

: 00:41:17

how things are going, how I'm feeling.

728

: 00:41:19

Sometimes I need to do it more

often than every few months.

729

: 00:41:22

I know right now I feel

like I'm in a phase of,

730

: 00:41:27

I know July is gonna be.

731

: 00:41:29

Crazy for me.

732

: 00:41:30

I'm not gonna know what day it's gonna be.

733

: 00:41:31

So I'm really trying to set myself up

for success here in June of like, okay,

734

: 00:41:37

this is what I have to do at work to

make sure I stay on top of my stuff.

735

: 00:41:40

This is what I have to do for the podcast

to make sure I stay on top of that.

736

: 00:41:43

This is what I have to do.

737

: 00:41:44

Just make sure that I'm

prepared for the move.

738

: 00:41:46

Come July 16th and the reward will

be, I have a seamless move and I

739

: 00:41:51

move into my new place and feel

And then the, the reward is going

740

: 00:41:56

to Nashville with my sisters.

741

: 00:41:59

It's very helpful and I know it's not

always the case, but being able to see

742

: 00:42:03

the light at the end of the tunnel is

743

: 00:42:05

Very helpful and keep to keep yourself

forward, to keep going after your goal.

744

: 00:42:13

I understand that sometimes that's

not possible if you're somebody

745

: 00:42:16

who struggles with depression.

746

: 00:42:18

Depression is a very fickle.

747

: 00:42:20

Thing I wanna say it's a

fucking asshole depression.

748

: 00:42:25

Alexandra: I thought you

were go fickle bitch.

749

: 00:42:26

But you know, that works too.

750

: 00:42:28

Christine: fickle bitch works as well.

751

: 00:42:30

Fickle fucking asshole.

752

: 00:42:31

There we go.

753

: 00:42:32

Fickle bitch, fucking asshole.

754

: 00:42:33

There we go.

755

: 00:42:37

I know that's not necessarily something

I'm always going to understand.

756

: 00:42:42

I definitely, something I will

hopefully be able to unpack

757

: 00:42:46

Episode 13

Rituals Rule the Outcome

Transcript

About the Podcast

Listen for free

About your hosts

Christine Borowsky

Alexandra Montross